


For I lose control

by littleheavens (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Related, Coda, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season/Series 09, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/littleheavens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>9x06 Coda - Dean drops him off that morning, ready to say goodbye again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For I lose control

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd, as per usual. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this, so bare with me.

“Can I really sit this out? Shouldn’t I be searching for a way to get them home?” he asks, trying to hide the tremor in his voice.

Dean’s gaze is anywhere but Cas’ face, and something inside of him breaks. There’s nothing he’d rather have than Dean asking him, finally telling him he wants Cas to stick around. He’s kicked him out and pushed him away before, yes, but what if it was a mistake? Dean did apologize – he did say he was sorry, after all. Not to mention, Dean said he’s proud of him. Out of all people,  _him_.

He wishes it was true.

“Me and Sam will take care of the angels,” Dean answers, like it’s been mapped out all along, “You’re human now.”

Castiel feels like breaking, and maybe he really does. Especially when Dean continues, sounding like this’ll be the deathblow.

_“It’s not your problem anymore.”_

The words are meant to sound tender, a caress and a promise that  _yeah, it’ll be okay soon, don’t you worry about it_. Instead, they hit Castiel in a way he can’t really explain. See, it really is his problem. It’s his fault and his fault only. The gates of heaven are closed,  _because of him_.

He’d rather help Sam and Dean out, really, but maybe Dean doesn’t want him around anymore. Isn’t he trouble, anyway?

Cas squints for a second, and his gaze meets Dean’s. Dean, so pure and kind, but with his face haunted by worry. There’s that ominous frown, never really leaving the man’s face. Dean’s eyes scan over Cas’ face, and when his eyes rest on Cas’ lips, the fallen angel instinctively reaches for the door handle.

Once he steps outside, the air of morning greets him with a cold, chilly welcoming breeze. He slams the door shut, but turns around, looking through the window once more.

He wants to smile, really. He wants to show a toothy grin, and a small wave as to say farewell. He wants to wish Dean the best of luck, before returning to his own job – because he’s human now, and that’s what humans do. But he can’t, like something simply prohibits him to be able to do it.

Instead he just stares, and Dean gives him a smile; the small gesture appears in a millisecond, but disappears like it hadn’t ever been there in the first place.

Dean raises his hand, then, and sticks up two fingers. He’s greeting Cas, and the fallen angel just gives him a small nod in return, face stern and serious. At last, he raises his hand himself, before breaking the eye contact and turning around.

He puts the key into the lock, and behind him, the Impala comes to life. He doesn’t turn around to see Dean one more time. Instead, he hurries to unlock the door.

Back in the store, he waits and holds his breath until he hears the roaring engine of slowly fade into the distance.

 _He’s gone again_ , Cas thinks to himself,  _he’s gone and I did nothing to make him stay_.

He sets up the store, ready to open it.

While he makes coffee he thinks of Dean in the old Chevy Impala, his hands absently tapping the steering wheel as he hums along to songs Castiel doesn’t know the lyrics to.

While he sets up the cash register, he thinks of Dean arriving back at the bunker, throwing his bag on the floor and greeting Sam and Kevin like he does on a daily basis.

When he turns on the news, and sees the footage of the meteor shower – because nobody can really think of a better explanation – he thinks about the Winchesters and the prophet as they try to fix heaven. He also thinks about his own family, his own blood. He thinks about his brothers and sisters, lost and confused, but also angry at Cas.  _These are the consequences_.

He shakes the thoughts away, and thinks that maybe he can make a future here, pretending it all didn’t happen. He almost snorts at the thought, because  _Of course it happened. It’s my fault. Nobody can live a normal life with guilt like that._

He’s angry, at Dean and Sam, at Metatron, but mostly at himself. He’s so angry that—

Two firm hands grip him by the shoulders, and for a moment, the world stops.

This is it, he thinks, this is where I get killed, and no one will be around to save me this time. He didn’t hear anybody come in, and he’s not sure how long the person behind him has been here already. Their hold is strong, however, and Castiel almost yelps at the touch before he’s being turned around, having to face the intruder. It’s Dean.

_Dean’s back._

“You came back?” Cas asks, and Dean just closes his eyes and nods.

"Cas," the hunter breathes, and in less than a second they collide. Their lips crash together, and Cas is faintly aware of Dean’s hands on his lower back, pressing him closer.

Dean’s hands are strong and hold him into place. What started out a something desperate, becomes slower and tender, like all the tension they’ve been having for years just completely vanishes. He relaxes, and lets one of Dean’s hands go up, over his spine, and end up at the base of his neck, where his fingers entangle with his hair.

Cas’ feels the press of Dean’s soft mouth and how their tongues dart around each other. His own hands are trembling, and at first he’s not so sure what to do with them, but in the end he wraps them around Dean’s neck and deepens the kiss with that gesture.

“ _Cas,_ " Dean repeats, once they’ve broken apart and have taken a step back to take each other in. His voice is breathless, ragged, and Cas smiles at him.

For him. Dean came back  _for him_.             

“Dean,” he whispers, and reaches out to cup his jaw.

“This is fucked up,” Dean laughs bitterly, “I fucked up, Cas. So badly. With you, and Sam, and…”

Dean doesn’t finish the sentence, because Cas pulls him in for another kiss, Dean muttering  _I need you_ ’s and  _I’m sorry_ ’s in between kisses, as their hands roam across each other’s bodies.

“It’s okay,” Cas says afterwards, burying his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. And the truth is that it isn’t, not at all. Not with fallen angels and possessed brothers, not when you have a prize on your head. But right there and then, he believes what he’s saying.

He hopes Dean does, too. Even if it’s just for a moment.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like what you've read! Feel free to come and say hi on [tumblr](http://wincestiel.co.vu/) :)


End file.
